Hello,
My name is Dawn. I'm a generator 4/6, very emotional :). I have a question. I have responded to love, after waiting, from another. The problem is is that this is not the right timing for me. My Design doesnt care about that I understand. I am awakening to an onslaught of feelings kept dormant for a long time. I havent gotten the cd from Ra about love yet and this is the perfect time to order it, but if anyone has had a similar experience of falling in love, being in love, while living your strategy and having it seem like it is against all the social and moral rules society has given, please let me know. Not that it is anything illegal. We are both of legal age and we are not planning on committing any crimes or harming another human being. I am already married and that in itself, that I would feel this way, is...I have no more words to say about it. I will continue to flow with living my strategy and respond after waiting for a few days. The emotional wave is a rollercoaster and still I enjoy the ride :).
How deep can I go? It feels like a bottomless pit. All the earth changes, the new moon phase, the emergence of spring, the influence of the planets and other celestial bodies, etc., etc., come and go. I thought I would have learned not to expect a genie to appear to bring a magical solution my way. In other words, to not expect the answers to come to me from "someplace else". That land exists only in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood in the Land of Make Believe, close to King Friday's Kingdom:) .
For the last 2 months, I have had time to sit and think about what I think about, past and future. I began to draw my attention to the present when I realized that the past and future have nothing for me now, only hopes and dreams, regrets and losses, fears and anxieties. As I turned my attention to the present moment, something within me was calling me. This something is a someone, my Self, One. It (gender serves no purpose as this is not a role or definition and language is used to convey the experience only) has only loving thoughts to say. This began happening around the spring equinox and also the new moon phase.
So, I began to be drawn to Imago therapy. Nothing like looking at the habits of childhood that cling to the adult mindset. It is not to lay blame to what happened in my childhood, but to look at it, forgive it, and let it go by beginning a conscious existence in living who I am, i.e., living my design strategy. I put all of my habits and other quirks into the symbol of my house. It is not that deep but I built it up to the point that it would save me, my marriage, and my self esteem to clean it like Home & Garden would do a cover piece about my household management skills. That is when the loving thoughts came again. My worth is not in things. I am worthy just as I am.
Now comes the practice and application phase. This is all taking place while I am writing a poetry/essay chapbook (I think that is what it is called but it may grow larger than that), two novels, and the developing of another blog website (this idea will come last, possibly). I was also invited to take the civil service test:) . That job will be the bread and butter support for myself and two sons. Cool. Sacral says a big uh-huh!!! And that response scared the hell out of me. I had no control over it and yet that someone did...the driver me thinks:) .
As I find that going deeper onto the roof does bring about times of sheer loneliness and angst, there is a deeper love that cradles me. I am not alone. This is not about spirit guides, spirits of loved ones who communicate through John Edwards, lol, or anything hokey and phantasmagorical. It is a feeling. It began with a feeling. It called to me and there it is. Now, I feel comfortable sharing this. It is just the way it is with me and my process on this level. No matter what happens in my life experiences, I am guided, safe, and at peace, even when it seems like the end of the world or out of control or everyone else has gone completely mad crazy insane. I'll still have love. I'm built for it, lol.
I also wanted to address the question of "soul" posted to another section within the forum. Soul is who you are, living the best that you know how to, surrendering to your design. It, this is my opinion, has nothing to do with the body. The body reflects the soul and what may be going on on an unconscious level. The soul is life, eternity, changeless, and connects each one of us into a Oneness that is...there are no words for it. Nothing on earth can describe it although sunsets, sunrises, the laughter of babies & children, green lush grass, a clear bright day...those come close as seen in pictures and such. The soul knows this oneness and has no need to say, "I am One.", unless it comes through the mind of another person in that way. As it is, it just is. Love. Nothing to do. No need for choice.
Soul equates to me as feeling...as in music, the base sounds, the rhythms, the movement that flows through the body when just letting go. Playing, in play, at play...football, soccer, tennis, badminton, volleyball, running, swimming...movement. If the body doesnt move, then it is the thoughts, the moving pictures of dreams. That is soul experienced while on earth. Simply delicious and remarkably beautiful.
Yeah, I'll be alright. I have the tools and the blueprint all inside. Well, everyone does whether students of HD or not. It just awakens in different ways but it all ends up at the same place...just simply being who you are. So cool:)
Namaste
Hello Angela and little wing,
I found the word namaste while reading Conversations With God, I believe book 1, by Neale Donald Walsch. Later, in looking up the meaning, it was interpreted as," the Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you."
I started using that as a way to remember who I am and who those I meet are. I didnt understand the full impact of it until recently in studying A Course In Miracles.
I began this study in November of 2004 and have stuck with it even when I felt conflicted, confused, and torn as to what was going on in my life experiences. I use Human Design, as well as a few other teachings, like a tool. A paint brush and canvas, a pen and paper, my fingers and a keyboard. As I sit quietly daydreaming to myself, watching people pass by me, hearing conversations, being included in conversations, taking in what is surrounding me, it all becomes Divine.
As this process is unfolding within me, what I thought I knew changes and becomes something that is changeless and not of my own doing. It is the experience, for me, of being the passenger and, for just a few seconds, be one with the driver. This is impossible to describe in words, such as saying 1 + 1 = 2. It is describe more accurately by Rumi. Sometimes I hear it in the lyrics of a song or the melody of an instrumental musical composition, but, for now, Rumi has a good grasp of it as translators try to grasp the interpretation with the heart and not the intellect.
Namaste ties it all together without binding it. It greets with wide open arms. It leaves with the same. There is never a goodbye. There is never a separation. It is pure Spirit communicating with Spirit.
I didnt expect anyone to reply as of yet to what I write. And in a way that it was posted, I feel like an untouchable :). That is just how I am feeling at the moment. The post that I was going to make was titled, "ghost that haunt the daylight and fear not." Yes, it is dark melancholy mood time:). I say that with a smile because it is just a feeling wanting to express itself after a night of meditation that brought up alot of heavy, heavy shadows buried deep.
I usually have an email alert that notifies me of replies but, alas, I have too much email at free2love68. It gives me something to do when procrastination comes a callin'. So please forgive the lateness of the reply. Maybe I will save the "ghosts" for later or comment on how they were exorcised through surrender, forgiveness, and without judgment...which is a practice that has been working well with living my design and following my strategy. This process of mine is definitely not for the self-help genre nor for the faint at heart. I have gotten to the deepest levels of my not-self and risen to the heights of being the passenger and driver as I let go of all that I thought I knew to be true.
It is not completely the same for everyone. That is just the way it is. What is important is Love, loving yourself and others as yourself in truth and honesty. The words mean nothing by themselves. I'm walking the line:)
Namaste
'Namaste' has several meanings, depending on the translation and context. In India it is a standard greeting (usually) for Hindus and is usually accompanied by putting the hands together, like in prayer, in front of the sternum, and bowing slightly. Sometimes the hands are placed higher up and even above the head. This depends on who you are greeting and how humble you want to be. It is used for both hello and goodbye. It is a Hindi word derived from two Sanskrit words. It is pronounced 'na-ma-stay'.
In religious terms it is a paying respect to the light of God in the person you are greeting, ie "The Divine in me greets the Divine in you." Perhaps people in the West like to use it for this reason because we don't seem to have an equivalent in European languages. Or maybe we do and we've forgotten it?
Did I mention before that I started a blog? Another type of blog that has a very rocky beginning. I knew I wanted to write something. Something more general and yet capturing the essence of what is going on in my life, daily and weekly. As I read over the posts from previous weeks there, they seem very confused, lost, and anxious for hope. It is honest if not a bit of a mind-warp experience in reading it.
It is different from these postings. What I relate here is specific, related in how I use Human Design as a tool. The blog was not specific and rambled, much like I did in the beginning of the posts here. Over time, the clarity kicked in and I began to fly with the wording, not really caring too much about if it was understood or not. That is not the point. It is just to get it out. Once the words come out...God it is good, lol. I was ready at that time to accept that understanding is in the mind of the observer which I have no control over. Period.
That being said, perhaps I will share this other blog link here. If one is a good internet detective, it can be found :) . Funny I dont like mysteries too much in the genre of literature, but I love to create them.
I had an epiphany of sorts today, just an hour or so ago. I was writing a letter to a friend, an email, from an email that I overlooked on Christmas Day. As I began to write it, I began writing it to myself as I knew that my friend would not understand what it meant. Many of my friends dont understand me, but they get the root core of me enough for me to call them friend.
As I began to write, it became clear to me that I have alot of junk cluttering up life experience. It is distracting to the point of me going back to the question of what to do with my life in terms of a career, my marriage, and what brings joy and laughter to me. And the answer came to me to just clean and organize my house. I didnt think of it, house cleaning, as the answer to the question of what to do with my life. It is a way to clear the clutter to hear the answers of what to do. It is clearing away the blocks to allow a free-flowing of information to come to me.
I always knew that when I did clean and organize my house that I would leave my husband. So I just resisted it. Took it as nonsense. I tried to be a good wife but was not successful at keeping a tidy house fit for company, friends, and inlaws (yikes!). My mother-in-law just doesnt come in the house anymore. Yet she knows I am unhappy as the house reflects it. My husband bring it up every 2 months. We go through this cycle of ignoring certain problems until they well up again mostly at my prompting. Being the manifesting generator that he is, he manifests the majority of the time unless we are in the company of friends and/or coworkers to which he then waits to respond as a generator. He's a Gemini too so that fills in some of the gaps as well.
It is not that I will leave him the next day or leave in a torrential storm of emotional upheaval fit for the Inquirer or People magazine. The relationship has served its purpose and its time has come to an end. I have met my true self and it is damned uncomfortable to try and recapture the Dawn of old. The more I resist, the more depressed I get, and the clutter increases as if to swallow me whole in its grandness. I hate going through the motions of being married and forgetting that I am married and being reminded by friends almost like a slap in the face.
Sometimes, I wish he could read what I wrote and understand it. Yet that is an empty wish not to be fulfilled for it is not mine to wish for. It is a magical endeavor in fantasy. The main point is that I now understand it for myself and to understand yourself is like coming up for air after diving deep into the ocean forgetting you can breathe air. I was just as comfortable in the deep ocean as floating on the surface. Identifying with all the clutter is what sucks a big one. As it is removed, released, healed, and forgiven, it vanishes, disappears into the nothingness from whence it came. I can look on it and smile, contently.
If life is as simple as cleaning a cluttered house, then, anything is possible.
Namaste
It hasnt left me...that feeling of clarity, of something more to come, of a greater joy and love wrapped within peace, an obvious happiness.
I didnt place any expectations on this feeling that began maybe a month before my 37th birthday. It was just a clear feeling. And this feeling has gotten stronger. Today, I found a cute cafe called the High Point. And, yes, I was high, lol. I felt as if I was walking in another city. Everything looked different, new, fresh, invigorating.
I didnt want to hold onto the feeling or control it in any way. I let it just do its thing, whatever it wanted to do. Everywhere I placed my gaze, there was a freshness. My eyes were drawn to the north. Why, I dont know. It could have been my near adventure to Boston to see a film about oneness. It could be about the weekend trip I am planning to NYC to attend a weekend seminar. It was just a northern destination that my eyes were looking to.
As I just concentrated on what was being brought to me, I saw a large house overlooking a valley. It was just on the outskirts of a city. Rolling hills, a highway, a shopping complex, apartment/condos, all alongside a country-type setting...perhaps in the suburbs maybe. I really dont know what that means, but it felt very freeing just to respond to the feeling and let it take me to this place. I was never really "psychic" in the way that it is thought of. My intuition is really fired up and I never know when it will kick into action. Intuitive is a better word. I get a feeling and just look to see where it is going.
Finally, someone in my immediate circle is reading my writings, i.e. poetry and story ideas. I have to remember to get his birth data to see what type he is. He is a people person with an empathetic spirit. And a die-hard party person! I thought I could hang with the best of them, but he has me beat. I found a schnapps type of drink called 99 Bananas. It has a whiskey burn to it that has an after taste of sweet bananas. Excellent with Pepsi :). The best thing is that there is no romantic attachments! I can be me and not worry about a relationship beyond friendship. I'm too busy with a love affair with myself :).
I just couldnt resist to type this in the new year. My goal this year, and for all time, is peace. And the action to carry it out is my joy, the joy in loving myself with the advent of happiness intertwined in the spaces in between. I may feel the old frustration, anger, and anxiety, but now, a more deeper awareness of peace, joy and happiness is ingrained within me. I just surrendered to Spirit, which is the same as living my design strategy and waiting.
I may not know what to do in the next moments, but I know that something will come along for me to respond to next as I wait and write. The story ideas just keep coming, keeping my mind busy from all the worrying. Wow, it is really amazing just to live again.
Namaste
So, I have responded to something that came from within me. The prompt to really break free from something that I have been holding onto for most of my life. It is really a relief, yet a challenge.
Watching the details is a priority. I tend to forget about my emotional wave and just go with the excitement of the experience. My prompt is if I feel resistance to it. It's like, WHOA!!! Time to look at that. It is such a new way for me to think this way, like a dam burst and more love is pouring out from places I never realized.
To forgive myself for making the mistake of not taking someone for who they are was kind of painful to admit. When I let it go, it seemed like it kept coming back. I'd forgive it again and keep going. More opportunities presented themselves before me to respond to. I waited and the answer was clear. I'm surprised that my sacral response works in conjunction with my Higher Self, lol. I always put HD in the category of "other". Separate from me, my ego, and that of my Higher Self. The ego is my not self. My healthy ego is the transition when I am aligned with my Higher Self, who is the driver.
It's a split kind of thing. Almost like a dissociative personality disorder except I know what is going on, not denying my feelings, looking at these experiences non judgmentally, and letting go of fears while opening up to love through forgiveness. I use it as a tool. It is much better than a psychic reading or a horoscope report. I even made up a way to meditate to reduce the mind chatter and keep my mind busy with reading and research. The results have been astounding.
Sitting down and actually looking at the way I think from the standpoint of non judgment really works. It is another beginning. There are big changes coming. I'm preparing myself for it though meditation and observation all the while loving and nurturing myself. Have I said this before? I'm getting a deja vu feeling. I may have said it before and not really known what I was talking about until now. That accounts for all those silent pauses after I post a comment on any subject, lol. Right place, wrong time, lol.
It is not so much that I know, but that I am aware of how I am knowing a thing. It is not a personal act, separate from a thing, but in conjunction with what I come in contact with through experiences. Oneness of being true to myself and allowing that to flow to those whom I meet in every moment. That is the universal experience that I have been looking for. That is something that we all have in common. It has nothing to do with beliefs. It is simply being, what is, as is :)
Namaste
I never thought of this before, but I have been blogging all this time. And I thought that I was expressing another aspect of Human Design in lay-person terminology...that is "the average Joe or Jane".
It feels as if I havent made up my mind to study HD more indepthly. Yet, in a way, I have made up my mind by responding to what comes to me after waiting. I decided to write about my experiences, all while responding and waiting, and to just take it easy while I'm on the roof. Making life so serious, rigid, and painful just isnt the way to be...for me.
Now...to I keep posting in this section or move to the blog section? I really dont feel like making the move. If it is alright with Gennaro, I will continue posting here. I have 4 other blog sites on the web which I may post a link to them in the blog section. But this thread is not so much personal as it is the recording of how I work, how Dawn works. How this process of living my design, following my strategy with all the gate, splits, and channels dipping, diving, crashing, and soaring in all kinds of directions.
Who knows...I may gather all these bits and pieces of a dream and make them into a waking creation of...an essay, of sorts. Or, I could use them to paint an oil depiction of what is written here. Or, create a musical composition. There are a number of things I could do. For now, I will continue to write until the cows come home :).
By the way, I tested what I am being drawn to lately...all the aspects of Buddhism, the New Thought movement, and plain old common sense living. It is not so much that I am set apart from the world or that I am not understood. I have not decided to just live with what I have on the outside and on the inside. Once that happens, and I'm making a prediction here. Once that happens, I will begin my decent to come off the roof.
As I come into contact, closer and closer, to the energy of my Uranus opposition, it becomes apparent to me that this is what it means. A self confidence that will have the power to part the Red Sea, if I respond after waiting :). That is what I am beginning to understand now. To not pay so much attention to my outside stimulus and let it define me. I dont know myself as such...in the moment...in that way. I only know after waiting to respond.
So it is written, so let it be done :)
Namaste
The test to really live the life I love was brought to me this past week. I burst into tears for no seemingly apparent reason. And this happened at work! How embarrassing...or so I thought.
There was something eating at me that I couldnt touch. It was not palpable. I couldnt take a pill, get drunk, get high, take a walk, or go anywhere. There was no place to go but within and see what was going on.
I made the deal to live my design. Said another way, to live and just be. I wanted something so badly that I forgot what it was that I was trying to do. My mind went into a tailspin of despair and depression. I missed my mother, I wanted to just be held and comforted, and I didnt want to live with this feeling, this pain, this...whatever it was that I couldnt put my finger on.
When the smoke cleared, it was just the realization that I was still trying to compromise myself by living 2 lives. One in public and the other in private. A heart divided is a miserable sob and it will take everything down with it into the blackness. I just sobbed quietly in the bathroom of my workplace, went home, and cried some more there in the kitchen. It was midnight so I had all the time in the world without interruption.
In the quiet, I felt it. The reassurance that all is well. I'm free to live as I choose and to pursue the life I love. Stop trying to control it all because it wont work. I tend to learn the hard way, as it was said in my original reading. That is so because I wouldnt have learned if a teacher or mentor came to me and said it. I had to learn this for myself.
The quiet desperation was killing me. I wanted to bust out and talk about what I wanted to, what is being realized within my very soul. Not about the gossip of who is boinking who, why so and so is a slut, and why they are so stupid. Let's talk about reality, the nature of being, the oneness of creation, the truth about who God is, damn it! Ah, what a chatterbox my mind is.
The peace I felt in that moment was all I needed to hear. Not from my mind. And not from those desperate urges to say something just because it is there. The sacral response is there for a reason. Waiting to respond is there for a reason. Waiting for emotional clarity is there for a reason...to live the life free from Resistance and the follies of the not self (my evil twin, lol).
And I am sure that this will be tested. I've been living this way, out of the not self, for quite some time. I'm just now surrendering to waiting and being still and quiet. I'm letting out my frustrations. As I see them in print or on paper, I can forgive it and move on. Hanging onto them only brings me to fits of rage. Anger feels good for just a moment until I let it go as well.
I just had to get this out. It feels so new and yet it isnt. I guess this is my process. This is my process. Of course it will not look the same as other processes. Would a rose look like a sunflower? Each have their own beauty to express. I'll plant the seeds, water it, and wait for it to grow. I have already responded to buying the seeds and preparing a space for them. Now, I wait to see what happens next in the garden :).
Namaste
Something has occurred that is very strange indeed. At least to me it feels strange...almost weird. I have been given the opportunity, albeit unconsciously because no words have been spoken in the form of an agreement, to pursue my writing career.
Nothing has changed in my relationship. My response has been to stay in it. Damn that sacral response :). I dont know why it did that...until this morning as I dropped my husband and son off at school. I get to have the car for the afternoon. Yeah! Because of my husband's schedule and the kids' after school activities, there is only time for me to write for an 8 hour period, 4 days a week. It's like winning the lottery!
Of course, my mind jumped in and began to analyze the situation. What's going? An affair? What is the deal? There is no deal. Just shut up and write to your heart's content. Well, I agree...response and all in the positive. Just yesterday I started some blog entries. Just random musings and some essays, briefly written, that describe some experiences and thoughts on my life and life lived in general. I felt sooooo great about it. What a high! And now the time to finally complete these ideas and have them published all within a time of my choosing. This has become my full time job!
All my speculations, anxieties, and fears about whether I was good enough were answered. I have access to a writing coach. And I have the time to complete the task. The only thing that could stop me is me. Hell, I even have time to travel to my favorite writing spot if I wanted to. Organizing my house to be more conducive to my writing schedule is also easier now (what a relief!).
I still sit on the sidelines of many groups, on line and in person, longing to join in like the kid wanting to be picked to join the dodge ball team. Where does that come from? Wanting to be popular? When I am picked or singled out, I dont want it anymore. Then I disappear back to my roof. Very few understand me and that is just how it is. Either you really like me or you have another opinion. That's cool. Gives me more time to write. When I do go out, I get free drinks and give tons of advice (only when asked). A few weeks ago, a man, Rastafarian, gave me a blessing. At least I hope it was a blessing :). Most times there is a proposition attached to an action.
Oh, but to write and just be free with it. I have not had an opportunity such as this since my freshman year in college. I was too scared to pursue the offer. Plus I was still in the man hunting phase. It is like I dropped into another level of being on the roof, if there is such a thing. Or perhaps I just accepted that I am on the roof and it is not a punishment. It is just the way it is. The script was already written so why resist it?
I keep thinking that I'll mess this up as I have with other opportunities. Fear. I'll just let that go. Dont want to hang onto that. I can use it in a story and a poem. Above all of my doubts, there is a confidence that I have felt before, when I was a child, playing pretend games. I'd play for hours and hours. Yet, this is not something that I am doing alone. Not in the paranormal sense or a psychic sense. It is just something within me that is not exclusive to me. Everyone has it. I just exhibit it in another form. I guess it is called living the life you love. Someone wrote a book about that. Mel and Bob Blanchard.
Anyway, I'm gonna see where this ride will take me, sacral and all.
Namaste,
Dawn
What a plethra of gates and splits I have!
I thought it was. Something was telling me that what is going on lately is not really all that "mystical". It is just part of who I am and I am naturally drawn to it. My emotional level has been peaking and dipping lately like an X Game tournament. Exciting to watch. Keeps you on edge hoping no one gets hurt. Watching the crowds' reaction. When it is over, there is a sigh of relief. All is well in the universe as I let it all go.
All my centers will be closed during this phase which starts in less than 2 years. I feel it just beyond the horizon. Like those Indians who saw Columbus' ships only through their leader. Except I have no leader. I am the role model. Talk about lonely :). And the Cross of Dominion. I'm not even gonna think about that one. Sounds a little bit much. I could resist all of it and end up either in jail, a hospital, or dead. Or just a miserable bitch :). I choose to just wait.
The more I just sit with it, the more it begins to take shape. I was offered a new job...as a taxi driver. That sounds so delicious. I already know the basics about changing a tire, the oil, the battery, spark plugs, filters and other liquids, and, of course, the gas. I have a great driving record with no tendency to speed. I love people and they love talking with me when I dont start the conversation. I know some martial arts moves and how to use a screw driver as a deadly weapon...as well as keys. I'm still waiting for clarity on whether to take the job or not.
Also, I found a way to teach others to journal. Not everyone has a knack for writing down personal thoughts or a desire to. I have a couple of friends who are avid readers and write poetry, but hate to journal. Actually their poetry is a type of journal to them. Waiting on that opportunity also.
I have a friend familiar with HD to ask me questions like, "Do you want to leave your job?". I have been answering in the negative (forgot how to spell it, lol). That makes me laugh. It's a parttime job with little stress so why ditch it so soon? That makes sense. I'm just ready to move on. The writing has been a fabulous experience. The Nano Writing contest is so cool. 50,000 words in a month. What a delicious challendge! No stress, no pain and if I win a prize, it's an extra bonus! The challenge is in finishing the novel with the correct word count. The rest is butter.
I cant tell you how much I am loving writing. My next investment will be a laptop, though nothing can replace a carefully chosen journal and a ball point pen. The gel pens are sooooooo wonderful! Like writing with silk :).
Okay, so it was not in my getting published, it is in my writing and getting it out. My editor contact told me that my essays would either be liked or not liked with no inbetween. Like it or hate it sounds about right. That is the pattern. When I follow my strategy, I like it and everything flows quite nicely for me. With this, I can extend more of what I know without any resistence. 2 years sounds about right.
Thanks for listening and reading :)
Namaste,
Dawn
My emotions sometimes amaze me. The clarity does come after waiting. Right now, it is hard to put what is happening into words. I'm in a melancholy state. Yes, it is best that I be left alone during these times too. It is all in waiting it out and allowing another to experience those melancholy times. The quote from Star Trek comes to mind..."Resistence is futile".
It is safe to say that my intuition was right. I will be coming into my own power soon...all in according to living my strategy of course. I really thought I was going off the deep end. Yet, it is all new and not new. I know it and dont know it. At least the driver knows and I communicate through waiting to respond. The symmetry is amazing. My messy house on the other hand is atrocious. Maybe I will look into Merry Maid service...hmmmm.
Namaste,
Dawn
Hello, dawnlovesunshine!
As far as I remember you are emotional G 59|6 and 25|51... For me is interesting how you describe your emotions and feelings. I am very curiouse about what emotional people could say, what they feel inside.
My husband is emotianal MG and his 19|49 is split projecting part. I ask him very often - what are you feeling NOW? Could you say something about this?
And very often he says - I don't know, how to say this.... But I am curiouse - so, I continue to search, what he could say and how he could describe his emotional world.
And if he is on the high of his wave, he doesn't try to kill me, but if he is in his down - it is better for me to run away with my investigations.
So, thank you for your posts!..
Beemala
Hmmmm...yes, so in love...with this moment...with myself. I swear there is no drug that could compare to this feeling. And I have no wish to try ecstasy to see what it will do.
There is no doubt about it that I was born to write...something...at some time or another and be published and/or self published. It is so great to find out your life's purpose and be in love with it. Actually, it hit me over the head a couple of times before I said enough of that already. The pain, the anguish, the depression all used as a tool for ideas, for writing. I have enough material to last me until I'm 80 and I'll still be writing. I'm kind of psyched to see what the year 2012 and beyond will bring with those Indigo kids and such. Anyway...
I went through another emotional upheaval. This time, I feel stronger. Not in the sense of conquering the world. I feel stronger in waiting. My intuition is gaining strength from within. And the love I feel is not as attached to sex like it used to be. Sex is becoming a tool. Not in the prostitute sense but as another muse. Relationships, my weak area, is being healed, wounded, and healed again, and again. Once that cycle is over, it will be transformed. Into what, I dont know. This process I will not mess with or impede like I have done in the past. I have a built in warning devise for that now:).
Now I am thinking about what the future will bring...the immediate future. Changes for the better are around the corner. And, again, this is not for me to impede upon, only to notice and keep a watchful eye out for it. I know I hate being an employee (yeah, so my Saturn return reading was correct), and being tied down and forced to like being on the side-lines helping everybody with no help coming in return (I did try and when I gave it 100%, it smashed me to the ground in horrible agonizing emotional pain). At least finally, I've got a clue as to who I am without a doubt. Now is the time for action, living, being, growing.
I was really looking for someone to just tell me what it is all about. I honestly didnt know what to do with myself and all these...feelings. Sometimes they got to be too sweet, I could feel the cavities boring a hole in the roots of my gums. There had to be another way. And there is, so I'm giving it all that I've got. I may fall, but the answer is not out there somewhere. It will come to me. It will be drawn to me. The choice to say yes or no is within me as well as the how to know what is correct or not for me. And to take another person as they are is also the way I wish to be treated. Cant get around that one. Karma is still in effect.
The real test to all of this is, will be, in the next few months. Spring seems like a good time unless it changes, but it feels right...right about now. I'm getting my Uranus opposition reading in 2 weeks. I dont feel the need to go deeper into the studying of HD. What I know now has taken me leaps and bounds into my inner workings. What more do I need to do? Who was that who said that there is nothing to do? Hehe. Just something to keep me busy.
So, as I ride this wave of love, I bid you all peace in the truest extension of the word.
Namaste,
Dawn
I uploaded my chart which is named rave as attachment(1). How do you put your personal name in there? Well, I like rave as a title, so there it is.
Did I say I'd like to start a new thread? What was I thinking, or not thinking? I'm all about love. I'll keep going with this until...whenever.
I did respond to the invitation to be published. An essay on my life experiences in an abstract form followed by some poetry. I dont know where it will take me, but it is a peaceful decision. I've got lots of other ideas that have come to me lately. My horoscope reading for the next few months also reflects my intuitive hunches on what may come.
I feel a distinctly unique thing happening. It is only different in form. Getting past the procrastination and using the melancholy as a catalyst has produced some interesting effects. Words dont come easy to describe it. It is very freeing, light, and inspirational.
So take a look at the rave and enjoy...I sure have!
Namaste,
Dawn
I woke up today before dawn. I dont know why I woke up, but I'm up. Something pressing upon my thoughts woke me up and I dont know exactly what it is. It could be me working on my poetry and novel, procrastination pending, seeking to hear my voice in a clearer tone, etc., etc. I dont know.
I have wanted to post an update for the past few weeks. Oh, I've had alot of drama that could be written. That would make no sense, no purpose to it, except to grab some attention. That is not what I want though it is very tempting:).
What is, what has been, is coming into view. Love will not leave me alone no matter how hard I try to work at my job, go to school, and clean my house. It comes as a voice among another voice. The "another" voice is the old voice that tells me to do those things like work at my job, go to school, and clean my house. I managed to keep my job. The others fall into withdrawaling from school and procrastination of cleaning up the clutter in my house.
What does Love have to do with this? It is not the love that Tina Turner was talking about. More so that song that Stevie Wonder wrote, "Love In Need of Love" (love in need of Love).
It has to do with purpose and what is the purpose of Love not leaving me alone. Bingo! I'm a writer. And? The value of an open throat is imitation and the ability to be open to other sounds. My mind and ajna are the same way with thoughts once I get out of my own way. This is just there in me. Once I let go of all the conditioning influences, for just a moment, it seemed like I lived an eternity in a moment, came back to earth, and had more questions. Again, letting go was the only choice to make. There I began to see that there are no choices to make.
So with my purpose held in Love, I knew I had to pay the bills, provide for my children, provide for myself, etc. There was no need for me to run to a commune with kids in tow and meditate for hours. The thought was kind of provoking. The book "The Elegant Gathering of White Snows" by Kris Radish put the true meaning of walking and running is. There is something that makes you run, flee, almost in terror. Then there is walking, not knowing, surrendering, making contact with who you are and embracing it.
So, as I began with Human Design, I am beginning again with a compilation of many teachings and paths that reflect the purpose and the design of who I am, truthfully. And, man, does the truth hurt...only if it is resisted against, fought against, defending against attack, etc. No wonder people have been telling me that I have been involved with many things and never stuck with it. Spirituality, all things related to Spirit, is what I have been doing since I was a child. All those other things was an attempt at trying to imitate that which has no form in reality.
So enters Love and I am listening. Oh, my mind wants to do this and that, gets lost in the latest discovery, wants to buy up whole sections of books at Barnes & Noble (I absolutely adore cafe mochas, by the way), and daydreams about...well anything. Through it all, I am listening to Love which is also connected to Spirit.
I saw the movie "Indigo" last night. It was so familiar. My kids act like the main character sometimes. I acted like that as a child and teen and, sometimes, now as an adult (using the term loosely). The web pictures she drew and how she accessed information "on the web". Hmmmm goes the mind. As I let it go and not pigeon-hole it into a category, it became clear to me that something is going to happen to knock the socks off how the world sees itself in relation to it's present thought systems. I'm already part of it. By my seemingly being not understood, geekishness, in and out of states of confusion, I'm in it. I dont know what that means, but, hey, I'm going with the flow...just listening.
Whew, that was good to let out. I kind of liken this process to giving birth. I think I'm having contractions now. This is the longest pregnancy on record! I given birth to 3 babies, each with long periods of labor. I had no choice but to wait until it was time for them to come out. Patience. Patience uses time. Time is for the realization of who you really are. Then time disappears...and there you are.
Namaste,
Dawn
PS...I may start a new thread or something. Love is already here for this emotional generator. I'm not looking for it, it's here. I'm kind of bumping into myself each moment, observing my responses, waiting to respond, etc. Just a thought:)
Hello, dawnlovesunshine!
Glad to hear you again.
I really follow your process.
I think - it is a gift - your posts in this Forum, which reflects your personall process of awakening of emotional generator.
It is very interesting (not so good word, but I can not find another) for me (I am also in this process), and somehow I am feeling connection with you.
Thank you!
(I like - you like photo)
Beemala
Wow...without me studying the intricate details of the Human Design process, without me delving deeper, I still followed my strategy and it has led me to...the best kind of clarity I have ever had! Dare I say it is better than sex? Well I guess I did!
There is nothing better than to know thyself and to admit you dont know a damn thing until it is revealed to you. Then you wait. I dont remember the sacral grunts. They came naturally. After I got out of the way of myself, I felt it. Like a wave of clarity so strong I couldnt ignore it. Then I waited some more and there was my purpose. What I am to do. And then...more waiting while I kept my mind busy writing, and writing, and writing.
I still struggle with relationships, coworkers, friends, and strangers who tell me their life stories out of the blue. But, hey, it's all good even when it isnt. Just living life for me. I get sad, depressed, angry, frustrated...then I write or wait or a combination of both. It is one interpretation of the inner workings of a human being.
I found a connection with metaphysical principles which I am researching currently and finally writing that compilation of poetry, and soon to write novels that I have procrastinated with for about 2 years now. The pull is so strong that I will let the teachers of Human Design explain the how and why of it. It began about a year ago...or maybe not. My sense of time is off. I use it for getting to work, when to feed my children, when household chores need taken care of, etc.
Wow...and to think that my introduction to HD helped facilitate this "awakening". Oh, and it is far from over. It is just beginning. A mini-drama unfolding. With a peaceful foundation that is beyond words. Rumi tells it better than I could, at least in this lifetime.
Just wanted to share this little bit of clarity. I've come a long way from feeling quite inadequate. This is me. And I have found love for this emotional generator. It was within me all this time. What more do I need? Sittin back and enjoying the ride, baby!
Namaste,
Dawn (hopelessly in love with her fine self :)
PS...Bee...absolutely LOVE the pic! You look so radiant!
I had a kind of "ah ha" moment this morning. I realized that after all this time, I was still trying to change others. I "thought" I knew best even while going through all of my ups and downs and circular movements. And my design paints a perfect picture of that. It took experience and a dream for me to "see" it and deal with it.
All the while I kept wondering why I am being ignored. Silly rabbit, lol. The old saying of you cant change another still holds up as painful as it is to me. Not everyone is going to experience what I have and have their own paths and truths to live out. I only had to convince myself that I am worth expressing my truth to myself. The way to correction for me is there, here. I may be on the roof but interaction in the world of people stirs it up a bit as well as sitting quietly writing and not disturbing anyone.
It may have been the interaction of certain elements, neutrinos, other design types, hooking up my splits, etc. Yet I followed my strategy without even realizing it. That's what I love about this science. That is what I love about this forum. To be a fool :) .
I have to admit it is a little scary. Not exerting anything upon another is totally different from my conditioning. There is no resistance to it. Last night, I caught myself defending myself quite vehemently. I stopped and realized, what for? This person thinks this way and I think that way. Okay. What to do? Walk away. That when I had a dream, that I cant really remember, but the feeling that it left me with was I cant change another no matter what the intention because there is a hidden agenda there which is poison to me.
Interesting. This ultimately leads me to share only when invited and to share out of the abundance of who I am. I dont need to "get" anything. Sure I will desire lots of things. Hey...it's already built into me. That 59-6 aint goin no where. So, to quote Ra..."Relax and enjoy the ride". Of course in my own way :) .
Thanks for letting me share. Still the student, still on the roof, and ready to fly...
Namaste,
Dawn
It has been awhile since I have posted. A no-brainer, there lol. My study of Human Design was put on hold temporarily on the level of an "official" student. I continue to read posts and see what's new. On another level, sitting back and observing has been the wisest choice to date.
This topic seems to be turning into a personal journal of sorts. I am learning still through trial and error, bumping heads with my not self on a continuous basis. Loving who I am is a driving force which grabs at me through all my experiences. There is no way around that and it is evident within all the types.
I understand about the purist approach to commenting about Human Design. It is a system unlike many others and to mix and mingle it with others before I become a Living Your Design student is not correct for me. However, in living my design while studying other teachings still rings true to one degree or another. Always through waiting to respond and this is becoming more natural to me.
My love seemed quite unique and overpowering. In Human Design terms, it was frustrating when I did not follow my strategy. Every time I waited and waited some more, clarity would come to me like a drink of water to a thirsty man in the desert. Still, standing back and waiting in the face of such powerful emotions is ultimately correct. This system works to such a degree that it is best to let my interests in it continue as per my sacral response and waiting.
Looking back over my posts is almost painful. That is why I am basically posting to myself as if I am the only reader of this topic. Would I really say what I had said if it were not true for me at the time? Sure would. If allowed to do so, I'll keep posting these personal notes. And I will stay true to what I believe about HD for me which is the best I can do.
No affairs, torrid dramas, or longings of love do I seek. A space to read and soak up auras in the park or a cafe is sufficient for now. I learn more that way. And it keeps my mind real busy.
Namaste,
Dawn
Thanks Bee and Happy New Year to you also! I'm playing around with different images of my pictures.
Lots of thoughts, feelings, and other stuff around me. It is amazing how I am led back to my original Human Design reading to review it and I get a different meaning than I did only 2 weeks ago. My emotions are more changable than I realized. It's all good riding along.
I wanted to share a song. It is only a few years old by Musique (formerly Musique Soul Child). It sums up some of my feelings and emotions within the lyrics.
Love by Musique
Love...
There's so many things I've got to tell you
But I'm afraid I dont know how
Cause there's a possibility that you'd look at me differently
Love...
Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
From then on I knew that by you being in my life
Things were destined to change...
(Chorus)
Cause love
So many people use your name in vain
Love
Those who have faith in you sometimes go astray
Love
Through all the ups and downs, the joys and hurts
Love
For better or worse I still will choose you first
Many days I've longed for you wanting you
Hoping for the chance to get to know you
Longing for your kiss, for your touch, your feel, your essence
Many nights I cried from the things you do
Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you
I know that you're real with no doubts and no fears and no questions
Love... (Repeat Chorus)
At first you didnt mean that much to me
But now I know you're all I need
The world looks so brand new now that I found love
Everyday I live for you and everything I do I do it for you
What I'm sayin is how I feel and so believe it's true
You've got to know I'm true
Love...(Repeat Chorus twice)
That's it. Beautiful. You'd have to hear him sing. A rejuvenation of R&B, hip-hop explosion. There are some great tunes coming out lately about love and looking within. You have to have a keen ear and an open mind :) . And that's me too.
Namaste,
Dawn
Dear Sunshine!
So nice - to see your picture!! And I like it!
I am very visual person. For me is very important to see.There is russian proverb (maybe - it is interenational?) "Man loves women by eyes, and women loves man be ears". I guess, it is proverb about collective man (I am also like this man) and about individual women.
By the way - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New feelings, and posts!!!!!!!!!
With love - Bee
Thank you Bee for your post. I am most grateful. Now I know how vain I feel at times. See the pic? I was trying to look indifferent, lol. Naw, really, I am not always satisfied with the pictures that I take of myself. This will do until I make another one. There will be more in the future :)
This love thing has been eating up my open mind and ajna. The more I stay present within my body, I watch emotions and feelings pass through me as I wait to respond. Ultimately, my experience was a blessing in disguise. I would have doomed myself to more incorrect relationships, short-term affairs, and physical ailments all in my assumption of living for love, loving myself, blah, blah, blah.
It's amazing how my life is unfolding everyday. I dont need to have the experience again of being in a painful relationship or seeking out a relationship with a totally different person to fulfill my desires, needs, wants, etc. The more I am living my strategy, the more I am flowing with clarity in knowing who I am. Actually, I dont know, but I know this, lol :)
I am just learning how to wrap things up and not have them drag on into some mindful dribble. It has only been 8 months. This I have said before. Now that I figured out how to put my pic up, I'll see if it is worth it to put my chart up. Who knows what will happen?
Enjoying the ride,
Dawn
Some things just keep coming to me the more that I surrender to them and stop fighting with my not self. Love is a very tender subject for me. I have allowed so many to come into my life to control it without realizing it. I blinded myself to the deeper aspects of loving another and ignored the love given to myself. This I figured out after my previous experience mentioned in the beginning post of this thread.
Using Human Design as a tool, I become more aware of what I am doing and being with this knowledge. Constantly my true self is revealed to me. I feel the resistence of my not-self as these revelations surface. It is not so much the numbers in my chart that count, but the meaning of those numbers as I live my life, live my strategy, and respond after waiting for emotional clarity. Now I see where I do not wait, but react.
I am a beginning student of Human Design. The work that I am doing now before I take the actual course is my own personal experimentation. Being the 4/6, I wanted to be the role model now. I wanted to be all those wonderful things that my analyst told me I was in the initial reading and within my Saturn return reading. At 35, I'm right in the middle of it. What I lose sight of is the waiting part. That's okay because I am constantly being reminded to wait when I see the results of not waiting. Blam...it smacks me right in the head.
I wanted to clarify some previous mistakes that I made in describing who I am by the numbers for those who might be curious. I have the 12 gate, line 1 (in the moon) and 2 (in mercury), in an open throat...the only gate there also unconscious. That makes a big difference. My 59 gate is a line 2, concious (in Mars) and unconscious (in jupiter) in detriment and with the solid triangle next to it (I dont know what that solid color triangle is called). Gate 6, line 1 is conscious in pluto and line 3 in uranus is unconscious in detriment. That channel is with me for the rest of my life.
What the real kicker is the 25-51 deal going from my heart to my G center. 25, line 4 conscious in the earth and 51, line 1 unconscious in the north node. This is my split or one of them. I feel it drive me. I feel the fact that I have survived. That is why I am here...to share a purpose that will be revealed to me through an invitation or response.
I have so many numbers, channels, and other information that would fill up this thread for eons. What I came up with thus far is it all boils down to living my strategy. The readings gave and continue to give me clarity as a reference point. It is not an immediate reaction that I am here to convey. This is a process that will continue past my 7 year initial phase. I list the numbers but no one will really know who I am and appreciate this knowledge until someone meets me. This goes for anyone.
There is no substitute for experimentation. Just do it. Follow your strategy and live as correctly as you can. I am finding so many books that correspond with what I am learning from Human Design. I have so much to share. This will not be initiated until the time is correct for me.
I bid you all peace until next time :)
Namaste,
Dawn
I have found a way to post my chart, but I have changed my mind about posting it. Why? It is a personal thang. For some reason, the dynamics of my human design chart can be communicated in another way. What that way is...well...I'll let you know later. Who knows...I may change my mind.
What has been driving me, excuse the pun, has been the unconscious elements of my design which I have no control over. This is the point of surrender for me. As I awaken to who I am and the nature of how my not-self conditioning is influencing me, alot of clarity is revealed. Sometimes I feel like a butt (being polite, lol), and other times I dont really care. All of my experiences thus far are pointing to something that I will share in greater detail which many will be able to understand.
Being aloof and having an open throat with and unconscious gate 12, line 1, is very enlightening. This forum gives me the chance to ramble, review the rambling, and offer clarity to myself. Maybe it can help someone else or not. Either way I am grateful for the opportunity to ramble. And I understand the editing process more and more and what goes on behind the scenes. It's all good.
Currently, I am at the library which doesnt offer me too much time as if I were at home, but a computer is a computer and for this too I am grateful for the Philadelphia Free Library...and what about those Eagles!!!! I had to add that in, lol :) . So, for now, I have love within me and that is the most important aspect of living my strategy. Loving myself and becoming more aware of who I am.
Human Design is one of the greatest tools that I have come across, so far, that in very inclusive to other philosophies and such. There's more to come. There's always more, unless there isnt :) .
Namaste,
Dawn
Were some posts deleted from this topic? Unless it is something that I have done by pressing an incorrect button upon my computer...although that doesnt seem likely. I was just curious. It seems kind of weird. Not that I am feeling cheated or deprived. It just seems weird. Interesting. Oh well. Thank you Bee for your comment. I dont have an open G but my identity is unconscious to me. It is only revealed to me through waiting to respond after waiting for emotional clarity.
And DW, I was incorrect in the information I gave you about the gates for the vessel of love. They are 46, line 4; 25, line 4 (both conscious) and 15, line 6; 10, line 6 (unconscious). I wanted to make another comment to your recent post, but, alas, it is no more. Lost within cyber space.
I am still working on posting my chart. Anyone have any ideas? I'm open to suggestions. Okay, well...TTFN :)
Namaste,
Dawn
The dynamics of this channel, 59-6, is what all this is about in the sense of a foundation for me. I have this channel consciously and unconsciously with 59, line 2 and 6, line 1 consciously-line 3 unconsciously. And this is my hard drive.
Living as my not self, I thought I was a freak of nature, really. I have no conscious access to know who I am unless I respond to it after waiting. Now that I know this, this channel has given me some adventures. The previous revelation of having attracted another love interest after having my solar return reading and saturn return reading proved that the system works. And I continually attract others to my amazement. It is my design. Now I see how the no-choice thing is evident, yet just part of living my strategy. When I dont live my strategy, I get all kinds of aches and pains, headaches, stomach aches, etc. from resisting.
Now I am not suggesting that I just go off on a wild fling kind of thing. I am highly selective. Relationships on the sexual level happen in cycles or patterns that jump out at me. I am still surprised when someone comments me on my looks. I'm no mud duck, but who is really. The beauty comes from within and is show without in correct living. When I live my strategy, I feel energized and youthful. Like this time I will not miss the prom, lol.
I have all kinds of love gates, intuition channels, the depth gate (48, line 1), and a host of other stuff that is leading me to buy up every cd Ra has made. I'm waiting for clarity on that on...I tend to go hog wild with the pack rat issue. While being the 4/6, I so want to share all this love. Never thought that I would be taken advantage of, but it happens when I dont look at both sides of the coin, and realizing that because I give doesnt necessarily mean that I will receive.
I am in the trial and error phase of my saturn return and about to make a breakthrough. How many other 59-6's are out there? How many vessels of love's are out there? Am I the only one going through this or was I just brave enough to say, "Yeah, I had an affair that I thought had some depth to it, but it turned out that the guy was stealing my energy." Funny thing is that my husband has been doing that for 7 years and I just became aware of it through living my design. What am I going to do? Wait to respond. Wait to respond. It feels so weird because he is not an abuser. I havent gotten the relationship composite to see where we clash, but we are 7 centers defined and 2 undefined so there is work to do. It is not cool that I am doing my end of the work and he has no interest in Human Design. I did find out that he is a Manifesting Generator 3/5. I give him plenty to respond to as well as responding to his Manifestor tendencies which are a plenty. I am actively waiting :)
So, I do see that it is not about morals and rules. I still feel weird, but I'm flowing with this experiment. I am glad that it is less weird than 6 months ago during my first reading. I have been listening to my reading which has helped me alot. This forum is so cool.
Namaste,
Dawn
Joined: 2003-11-07