Post your homework here.
My understanding of my assignment is to consider my strategy as a manifesting generator. I have until recently been considering a strategy of response, as that's the general recommendation for generators and manifesting generators (I think).
It's suggested now that that strategy may not come naturally to me, and that my strategy, at least for now, may be one of knowing when to pull out of present activities, commitments, etc. In other words, I am inevitably going to get caught up in things, to get involved in things.
This is a very intriguing possibility for me, and rather new. I am generally quite reluctant to stop what I've already started, (I have gate 42) and even if my moods might dictate otherwise, I'm inclined to gut it out, and to persist. The idea that I allow myself to halt these activities that I find unpleasant, or that I REALLY pay attention to my moods, is a revelation. But how do I do that, and not run counter to the 42 gate need to complete things?
I was also interested to hear in the audio presentation from Ra that for many generators (and mg's), the strategy early on is more of finding out what one is NOT as opposed to what one is. Very interesting. I think my Uh-uh's ARE clearer than my Yeah's.
On "thinking". So much of what I do seems to be based on what I think. Letting myself base my decisions on my feelings, and not my thoughts, is also novel. Maybe I do that more often than I believe, but to Consciously let myself go with my feelings is a new thing.
Also, navigating in this modern world would seem to require thought a lot. For instance, I need to know how certain financial decisions I make would affect my taxes. Or I need to know how to best do a certain thing with my computer. This would seem to involve thought. How do I navigate all this stuff without making Thought the final arbitrator?
Stephen
LD class
I've been paying attention to my Solar Plexus this week. My emotional center is not defined and I only have one gate in that center that is: 36, the Gate of Crisis. I only know enough about gates to be dangerous and I'm not sure I noticed anything this past week concerning the open S.P. and gate 36. But, in relation to the past I have a few thoughts.
My mom's S.P. is defined and she is controlling. Not only did her emotions feel invasive, they also seemed catastrophic. I shut my emotions down at an early age to "keep my privacy" and to avoid feeling like the world was being ripped apart. At the same time, I had (have) an innate conviction that light will always overcome darkness.
When I was 40, due to circumstances, I could no longer keep a lid on Pandora's Box. My Solar Plexus is now "worth" about $20,000 in therapist fees but it was money well spent. Emotions coming from others are now comfortable or tolerable, depending on the feeling. What I've been wondering is if having gate 36 is why I ALWAYS feel the end of things at the beginning and the feeling continues until the literal end arrives. This is not too uncomfortable except in relationships where its like a black jelly bean in a bag of red ones...or a fly in the proverbial ointment.
Whether or not I'm close to the target with my above thoughts, I find myself re-examining that energy in a more objective way.
Avoiding Truth
Avoiding truth has certainly been my upbringing. Being the youngest of five, I always assumed the role of keeping everyone together, even at the expense of speaking my own truth. After Christmas this year, I broke this pattern. I told my sister, who I thought walked on water while we were growing up, I thought she was drinking too much. It did not go over well. I have not heard from her since. I called her once, and we had a decent coversation, but even since that conversation, I have not heard from her. It bothers me, to say the least. I do feel, and always have felt, that if I do speak my truth, everyone leaves me. It isn't a burden I like. And yet, I understand my truth at a depth people would never guess, simply because I don't share it.
HW mario - open heart center
Hi everybody, i will try to describe my process along this week, more than talking about my task, because i have felt like flying in circles around the heart center without really grasping it.
First I tried to understand conditioning through my different undefined centers: I have 3 centers undefined (throat with 2 gates defined out of 11 and 4 gates pointing to, G with 4/8 defined and no gates pointing, and heart totally open 0/4 defined and 2 gates pointing). At first sight, classifying by higher probability of definition, the order would be: 1-throat / 2-Self / 3-Ego, but actually, the one that bothers me the most, the one that I have more present as a difficulty on my daily life is the G center… why? Maybe because that is the one in which I have more gates defined, more of those light bulbs that come on everytime the center gets defined, in other words, MORE REFERENCES. So, where I have more references I am more aware… umm, interesting point… which may explain the strong conditioning through a totally open center, where there are no references, and therefore no awareness of the deep behavioural patterns acquired.
Now, this week’s homework makes more sense…. ‘Look at your open centers!’
Then I was taking account of my family’s designs, the people around me on my childhood who set the main conditioning patterns. Well, unfortunately my father was born at home in a rural village and does not know the birth date, only the baptism day which was several days later… the fact is that he is probably by far the most influential person in my conditioning process. From the rest of the family, none of my brothers have a defined ego, only my mother does (although not sure about her birth hour), but for now I cannot relate to her my sense of low self-esteem nor my need to prove things. That is something I would say is more related to my father, feeling when child more his approval and being proud of me when I did something good (grades at school, solving riddles, whatever...)
Next thing I realised this week is the veil we have in front that really makes difficult even to ask oneself those simple questions about the centers. On my last post I wrote I was not aware of holding on to relationships but always wanting something else, and then this week, being with my girlfriend I had this flash thought like ‘wait a minute, isn’t it a bit of the same but you are afraid to recognize it? Don’t you have fear to lose it? If you really want something else why don’t you go looking for it? Aren’t you holding on to this relationship?’. Then I remembered something I heard from Ra at the self study referring to open sacral people, who get stuck in a fix way of living sexuality which they feel it is not theirs, but their sacral defined partner’s, and they are always wanting ‘something else’. Isn’t it the same for the open G people in terms of love? Maybe what happens is that open G people are always wanting something else because they feel trapped in a fixed way of loving which is not completely theirs. Does it mean I can love in different ways but must surrender to the fact that will always do the way of the person I am with?
If it is like that, I think it will take me more than a while to accept it.
The self study slides gave me another clue… Excuses from open heart people when making promises. When do I make excuses? When do I not tell all of the truth? For example when hiding parts of myself to fit into one of my roles, I mean, when trying to play one of my characters (as an open G) to my best. That leads me to the next issue, which is the relationship between different undefined centers in conditioning, also considering profile. So then I can see myself like a person who plays a character (undefined G) let’s say for example, at work; that because of his 5 profile, he attracts a lot of projections and high expectations from the people around, and due to his totally open heart, he unwittingly tries at any price to fulfill all that, completely forgetting about himself.
Therefore, an open heart means not only an open door for conditioning, but also an engine propelling other center’s not self!!!
Well, as one goes deeper in this, it gets more and more complicated, but also more and more fascinating!!! I begin to realise that the conditioning through an open center like this is so subtle and deep that it is always with me in some extent, even now, maybe trying to prove something writing this?
And the answer to everything is ‘live your strategy, honour your authority’? By now, for me it is very difficult to tune up enough to do it, so I guess it is a question of trust…
Open Solar Plexus
I'm not sure I will address the topic I'm supposed to, since I am pretty new to this. How am I avoiding confrontation this week? Well, after losing sleep about my son and his possible neurological issue, my doctor did not call me immediatly after the MRI to tell me a brain tumor was ruled out. After several calls, I caught them at 5 minutes to end of day and 6 hours after they were told, for them to tell me this. Luckily, I had a doc relative I made the radiologist call since he can't talk to me directly.
The doc's office told me the next step is to refer to a Neurologist, I called and pressed for that - nothing. I showed up two days later and paid for an appointment to make this happen, and the doc's assistant left for the day. I have yet to say a word to those people, except calling and asking nicely for a referral, which they should have done 6 days ago, and hasn't happened yet. I figure the universe wants me to wait, since the big stuff was ruled out.
Outside of that, I avoid all confrontations with my husband. I get him angry with something, then I want to run away. He just called today to ask me never to say "I agree", or "fine" because I never really agree, and I usually just want him to stop. He says it is disrespectful, I say it is survival since the word stop and all the other "signals" we learned back in the days of therapy never work.
I avoid my daughter's (1 yr old) anger outbursts. Just give her whatever she wants usually, which has sometimes been something her body didn't do well with. My son is a raging volcano sometimes at 5 yrs and I wish i can just give in to him, but he keeps pushing me (he is defined, and so is husband, not daughter), and I HAVE to stand up and confront him and set clear boundries. I hate doing that. It saps all the energy out of me.
The extremes I experience is complete emotional drowning (like staying up all night worrying about son), and then being able to step back and look at my situation completely objectively and not get pulled into emotions (which I am now doing around my son).
I also have my Root undefined, so I wonder if my 10 years of chronic fatigue were connected to that... It was a hard lesson in listening to my body.
Toot-Toot-Open Root
Of all my open centers (5: head, ajna, throat, self and root), the root wins in being the one that in my not-self runs me. :arrow: :arrow: :arrow: I get started on one thing, bounce to another, back to that one with pressure of "Hurry up!' or "C'Mon!" running through my open head. (Or is that conditioning from my mom, childhood teachers, etc?) I get a lot done, but the adrenaline pumping like that and the feeling of immense pressure (Better hurry because there's SO MUCH MORE TO DO!) is just not worth it. I hate the pressure of being hurried more than any other pressure. When I let it build through having entered incorrectly by not following my emotional generator strategy of responding over time, and basically manifesting I get mostly stressed, anxious, frustrated and angry.
So especially this one, the open root is the one that also shows me right away when I'm not living my design.
Also the feeling when other co-workers are stressed, as in a work situation where I have to make the decision as a nurse in a life and death situation, (or even not a life and death situation) and they are stressed, it is difficult to remain calm and take care of the situation. Sometimes I can look at the person and see and definitely feel that they are stressed and ask them to calm down, that we can take care of it and that helps me and them. But I feel in the long haul this kind of work and pressure is not right for me and over time my sacral is saying "Uhn Uhn!" to that.
Open Centers
I have all but 2 open centers, the root and the spleen. My mother has the same centers defined, which I find interesting to explore in regards to conditioning from the mother. But, I can see that I have been flitty or skittish around each of the open centers.
An Open Head has brought an availability to multitudes of ideas, explorations, etc. I have been asked by my family at times, so, NOW what are you into? I loved being at University (stayed through to a MFA) because I simply loved being in an environment of higher learning.
Undefined Throat. I was very shy in my teens and found an outlet through playing my guitar and singing. In college, I began a Music Major, with my instrument being my voice. Loved Opera and studied voice for many years. Then went over to the Drama dept. I found that I was able to express myself when I was someone else (the character). This would be stemming from the open G and open Ego. I was deeply shy about bringing out myself, but loved finding roles that could express my understanding of life, or could somehow bring some light to another.
Open G. Have thought about finding my place (or not, as with the open G) and can see that I have always needed to make a small anchor in the places I was... usually my bed, or near it, with something that was intimately mine and meaningful. Then I had a sense of being in the right place. If I could not do that then I would leave. Have never really felt that I needed to leave where I was because there was something else, rather I would leave because I had no attachment to where I was. I had to leave / I didn't have any choice. My body just moved, and 'I' followed, sometimes surprised by the movement. This was usually a result of an invitation and a response of my splenic authority of intuition.
Class one homework
My open Head Center has been an interesting thing to learn about. I realized when I first learned about it how much of my life I had spent considerable time and energy in other people's questions, and how I was conditioned from as far back as I can remember that they were MY problems to solve, and I got very good at it....and have attracted people into my life who have asked me to 'solve their problems'. How interesting that I find myself in Bodywork and Life Coaching. Since being exposed to the idea that I can consider if a question is really mine has been powerful. I can certainly find my mind working on it, but it seems since I heard my design, now I can just simply opt out of the process and CHOOSE. It has brought much more consciusness and peace t me. Valerie
By the time I went to college, I realized that my mind (open ajna) was not something I could drive. But, if I just let all the information coming into it float around like letters in an alphabet soup, amazing insights and connections happened all the time...when I wasn't thinking. It was a bit deflating knowing my thinking was not my own but I have always enjoyed the way my mind works. It's been a source of pleasure.
Homework for Kerry Burkhart
Wasn't sure if my first homework got lost in cyberspace so I'll try again. Having so many open centers (mental projector), it can be difficult to pinpoint which experience of myself derives from which centers, but I'll give it a try. When I enter a group of people, I have an automatic response to "read" them. She's happy. He 's having a bad day. That one can get the job done. That one doesn't know what they're talking about. Uh-oh, don't tell that one anything because they'll tell everybody. Etc, etc. I'm pretty sure this stems from an undefined sacral (and an undefined solar plexus, and an undefined throat.) While I think this entertains me,as I am easily bored, it seems like a waste of energy. And wasting energy doesn't seem like a good idea when I have no defined motors. Also, no one else seems to really care what my observations are, therefore this information doesn't appear to be useful. And if I offer my insights uninvited, it goes over like a lead brick. It can also occur as judgmental and "busy-bodyish." But mostly, I just play dumb. I think this stems from childhood conditioning when I would say things that others wouldn't want to hear and get myself into trouble. I know that the prudent thing to do would be to wait until I'm asked, but it does occur as if those invitations might be infrequent if not non-existent. In the meantime, what to do with all of my observations? Often, I'll tell to my husband (poor guy--he's a sacral manifesting generator.) But when his cup is full, my dog is a great receptor.
My Open G Center
My open G has provided me with many challenges in my life. From not knowing where to settle down, because I know Chicago is not my frequency, to thinking I will never find true love, to wondering if I'm on the right path.
While the challenges have been numerous there have been advantages, too! The restlessness has caused me to travel the world, experience sights and cultures, meet people that many people dream of. It has provided me with a constant question mark in my brain that asks what is behind the next corner? True love? An inspiration? A point of view yet to be explored by me? An idea that could turn into my life's passion?!!
The open G center... both perplexing and full of possibilities. Would I have it any other way? I'm hoping this course will show me how to manage the perplexing and expand the possibilities.
Hi LYD-ers,
I have all but two of my centers open. Since coming to HD I am now becoming aware that I am getting A LOT of conditioning from outside of myself. At first this was scary for me. I felt victimized by so much openness and conditioning. Now I am slowly coming to see that this is who I am and to try and accept it for what it is -- also see it for it's own uniqueness.
The open center that has given me the most challenge in life is my open G. I have had a pathological need to know where I am going and what my purpose is in life. The need has filled many a journal over the years. I still cannot quite accept that the Universe will always bring me direction and love. TRUST is quite the issue -- will it truly come?? Though when I look back over my life it has worked out in just that way -- the next big direction has always just arrived and I knew beyond doubt that the this was it. I could and can always feel when something is RIGHT for me. It is truly amazing like that.
I hear many times -- LIVE YOUR DESIGN -- well I am trying. More and more it feels like its working.
All my best,
Michael Brown
Hi, here there are some of my insights of conditioned behaviours through my undefined centers, which are: throat, G and heart.
THROAT
I have always tried to attract attention from other people, specially when the pressure was high -within a big group of friends, having dinner or hanging out- I used to be the one to talk too much (coming back home with a sore throat) or act too much (overdrinking to release the pressure :twisted: and doing any kind of stupid things, becoming something like the clown of the group :oops: ). That has been going on for years, and now that I am more aware, I have to fight the bad habits, because I play the role I used to match in the group and if not I do not know which character to play -who I am in that situation-(undefined G).
Regarding the release of pressure, and bearing in mind that root pressure is in someway bound to become acts, for people like me -with a highly defined root and undefined throat- it can be very frustrating not being able to do things, not being a doer. :x This is what I pointed out last class as ‘pressure from inside’… I suppose the answer is follow your strategy and authority, but it can be still frustrating, what does it implies, that things must come done through others?… any feedback on this issue? :?:
Another different things I noticed: -I must take care with my throat, larynx, etc. because is delicate in terms of health. :( -I find very difficult to butt in conversations, I feel I do not have the power of other people to do it and I get very easily interrupted. :cry: -Although I am truly terrible singing, :shock: if someone else is doing it, and I follow, it is not really good, but not so bad.
SELF
I have always felt very clearly the main issues of this center, like the sense of no identity, no direction or mission in life, like “I can do many things, but what is ‘the one’ for me?, what should I do in life?” :?:
I am not aware of the sensibility to place on a daily basis, but I can feel it strong and clear e.g. when I am looking for a place to live, it is just coming into any house and I just know if it suits me or not. :wink:
I can get along with different people, like a chameleon, but that produces me an insecurity about who really am I, so that I try to maintain separated worlds (people from work, friends from university, friends from childhood…). Each of those groups know only part of the whole thing, which I guess, is me. The funny thing is that I invent mental excuses to myself like ‘this people is totally diffferent’ to avoid them coming together, or the times it happen, I always try to put them in the picture before as excusing myself for having such a friend/acquaintance… :oops: when the real thing is that I am afraid of them meeting because in that situation I would come to the dilemma of which role playing of the two? Same question, who am I?
In terms of love, I am not so sure about what happens, :? but of course, it happens a lot. I am not aware of holding on to relations or getting too attached, but seeking love in the sense that although I can be ok into a relationship, I always have the feeling of ‘there must be something else’ {maybe has anything to do with channel 18-58}. I mean that I am more aware of my inconsistency to give love that to be loved. Something that may relate to this is my girlfriend telling me from time to time ‘I feel you are not here, with me’… although it can be that I am in my mental split –which we both do not bridge-, or some other thing… me emotionally defined and she emotionally open, there is a lot of stuff moving around. :!:
HEART
Although mine is totally open, by now don’t have many insights on this, apart from my low self-esteem, the systematic avoiding of any kind of competition (fear to lose, I suppose, although when I was a child I was extremely competitive), and the huge sensitivity to notice who is giving importance and talking too much about themselves. The fact is that I dislike this to the point I reproach it to the person in case of being very close to me, which means i put a bad judgment on it, and probably it is me the one that has a problem with it ¿?. :?: Paradoxically, I used to answer to people like this when talking too much about them ‘you did this and this, I did this and this and that, so I am more than you’ (maybe because I have the gate 45 pointing to the heart from the throat). Now, I am more aware of it and I try to keep silent. 8) Another thing I have learnt is trying not to make promises, I usually promise trying to do something better than promising to do it, but can be very frustrating for others (specially in relationships, when many times is needed a explicit commitment –I don’t know if this is related to the heart-) :? .
Ok, I think is far enough by now… This was thinking aloud, but because of my profile 1, sometimes I am insecure of my finds, if things relate to one center or other, or if my focus is correct,… so that any comments or feedback of any kind, will be very welcome!
Undefined Root musings
I have an undefined root where my personality sun/earth live. Always in a hurry. And add the open sacral for a not self double-digit-energy-deficit.
I've spent thousands of $ being treated for chronic fatigue (before design.)
I remember my open-root daughter rhetorically asking many years ago why I'm always in such a hurry. Catch-22. In many jobs I was able to get work done quickly. Bosses like that. I enjoyed it when it was the right thing to do. Not until the last year or so have I been able to slowly recognize the unnecessary pressure, take a deep breath, and enjoy things that do not need to be hurried, like taking a shower, eating, driving, stopping for a sunset instead of driving by. The physical pressures seem easier to recognize than the mental ones.
I had the experience recently of having lunch with a rooted analyst friend. We have the same centers defined except she also has the root. It was hysterical. Every time I talked, I talked fast. I could feel myself speed up and the adrenaline rush in my body. Then she would talk and the rush would slow down. Then I would talk and the adrenaline would speed me up. Back & forth. The pressure was fascinating.
Undefined Root
Since describing the fears of my undefined spleen, I have gotten clearer about the pressures I've felt from my undefined root. In my family I felt an overwhelming pressure to win, to succeed, to fight. I did not have these gates filled. I do have 60 (limitation) and 41(contraction or decrease). I would respond to the pressure by not participating, freezing in a crisis, finding ways to not feel the fears and pressures by going deep within and finding a quiet, peaceful place. I can see the way this conditioning still limits me. I will contract or limit my life to avoid feeling that pressure, which has been combined with the fear of the open spleen and the magnification of the open solar plexus.
I'm interested in the possible challenges/opportunities of those like myself with only one open center. Nina mentions in the topic "All Centres Defined" that the "undefined centre has a huge impact on the drama of their life, as if it's the only way the world can wound them" I have one undefined center...my G center. In other ways, I am my own person...I'm an independent thinker, I have my own emotional life (and my moods), I appreciate the now (and the presence of Being is very real to me), I was able to successfully quit a three pack a day cigarette habit 25 years ago, etc. But I often ask "Will I be liked? Will I be loved? Which way should I go? Who am I, really? (although I know the answer to that on a more fundamental level). I am very sensitive to my surroundings, so, yes, place matters a great deal to me. Maybe my only wiggle room is in my G center, so whenever the world wiggles (which is often), so does my G center.
I also wonder how much effort to put into finding the right place. As a triple split, emotional manifesting generator, is it appropriate for me to scour the newspaper ads, the web, etc. for a place to live if I'm not entirely comfortable where I am? Or do I wait to be asked? Do I need to discriminate more between my discomfort with a place, and my general mood (I have 39/55)? Also, my feelings about life are not just colored by a particular place, but by the time of year (sun in capricorn makes me feel a certain way, for instance, and that's not something I can change by moving). Winter on the other hand also makes me feel less than delighted about things, but to move to a warmer climate could require a herculean effort, and would that go against my strategy? And anyway, even warmer climates have their not-so-desirable seasons...Florida in the summer can be kind of tough!
Stephen
Posts: 1394
Joined: 2006-02-25