it works!!!!!!!!!!!! i know about my design for only 5 months now but i experience the blessing of this knowledge already.
i talked to a very close friend of mine yesterday on the phone. i am recently living in ireland, looking after two gorgeous kids. my friend a succsesful lawyer asked me THE question: have you thought already about what are you going to do, (she is worried about me career wise and asked this with this you know you cant do this for ever voice) Halve a year ago with a snowball this size i would have found myself under an avalanche fighting for survival. a simple question like this would have set my mind racing and my root kicking in - mel u have something to do u cant just sit and wait and dream,... my mind looking or going through every single idea ive ever had, calculating the possiblities, chances, at that stage i would have a sore stomache and starting from my neck my whole right bodyside would be in agony becouse i am so tense. i would rather feel depressed the -
i am useless, cant keep up with the competition, there is nothing for me in the world to do i would love to do and make a living with it at the same time - even its the thing i grave the most for -
end of the world atmosphere

you know what happend yesterday? honestly the question never fails to make me feel a little bit unconfortabl, but i had a simple answer for this question what am i going to do: NOTHING!, (does anyone know how good this feels!) till something will happen!

for me finding out that i actually have a defined g and heart center was the biggest surprise, even more after gennaro told me all my activations are in my personality, while i am designed to be a reflector!

why? i have a rather low self estem, no idea of my direction and the hardest thing ever for me is to ask for something for my own sake - to make contracts,.....

i gave this a great deal of thoughts, what gennaro also said is that we are attracted by our open centres! i think i was not only attracted to them i was madly in love with them not only that, i was watching them and applied everything that attracted me about them into my life! thinking about this as very noble: i was spontaneous, always bussy, hard working, nothing was a problem to me, i tried to be intelectual, not moody/emotional,.... in short i tried to be everything i liked other people to be!
and from the age of 17 i poisoned myself with the question what iam going to do in my life, i knew i was not looking for a job, i was looking for a live time obligation. and no mather what i did, no mather how hard i tried i could not come up with an answer. i had no succses career wise neither with relationships, i travelled around halve the world not able to enjoy myself becouse this question was eating me alive, like a black whole absorbing everything else!
the last four years (always considering myself healthy) i had a serious kidney infection and two surgeries on my right wrist and my right knee (no one could tell me where the problems came from i did not have any accidents what so ever)

now looking back i can find patterns of my personality deep underneath all this not self strategy i cultivated with such emphasis. and i am grateful for it now, i can find tracks of it mostly in texts i used to write and in the force behind it - my longings,..... it got me going all this time.

this is a quantum leap in my life, beeing able to say iam going to do nothing and not just saying it but feeling good about saying it!

one thing that occured to me, is it possible that my not self could become more powerful because i have no activations in my design do distract it? since i read it can only influence the conscious parts? and i experienced in my life that people who did not know me very well reacted "strange" when i started to express myself - obviously through my reflector design they did not expect this at all!

i know i have a long way to go, but i can do it now with an open heart feeling that i am on my right way. at times i curse (not very ladylike) that i have to be patient, and my mind sets racing and my neck and shoulder start paining then i know its my only way and i am grateful to my body for reminding me! at the very beginning it was troubeling me how i should believe in this, i mean waiting is nothing but passive, giving the leads out of your hands (not that we ever really have them -ah u see i learn to understand). i start to think that i can believe simply because it makes me feel good, deep inside in my body(graph)! and it occupies my mind to my delight so it is not able to make me sick with questions i dont have an answer for!

my time will come and iam looking foreward to it! in the meantime i will study humand design ;o)

melanie
2/4 emotional projector
(sorry my chart is not in the archive so i could not give u the link)

Hi Mel,
Thanks for your posting. apart from being appreciative of your sharing your experience, one thing stood out that i thought i should make clear. Maybe it is clear to you but in reading what you said i realized that i did not make it clear enough in class. It is important that nobody confuses the Design (unconscious) with a person's design (your whole chart). Basically the word "design" has two meanings: your unconscious and your overal chart. Don't ask me why, i have no idea.

Fer example, Mel you say:
"for me finding out that i actually have a defined g and heart center was the biggest surprise, even more after gennaro told me all my activations are in my personality, while i am designed to be a reflector! "

THe thing that caught my eye in what you said Mel was "i am designed to be a reflector." Maybe you MEANT to say "I am a Reflector in my Design calculation." BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE CLEAR THAT YOUR OVERALL DESIGN NEVER CHANGES. You are never designed to be a Reflector. In your case Mel you are a Projector and that is where your strategy comes from. It does not matter what your Design or Personality is seperately in terms of how you work. In the LD course we start out by looking at your Personality and Design seperately so that you see that who you think you are (Personality) is not who you actually are (Personality+Design). THis is a step towards letting go of your illusion of being in control and allowing yourself to live your strategy.

So lets say you are a Generator, but if your Personality (conscious) is a Projector, then you would think you are a Projector in how you perceive your energy works. But don't go anywhere near the stategy of the Projector. THat has nothing to do with you. And let's just say your Design (unconscious) is a Reflector. Who cares. You will live and die a Generator. Your strategy is to Respond. End of story.